A series of letters I wrote between imaginary psychotic arseholes Jake Sintang and Martin Robcony.
First letter reads:
“Hey Jake, you leave my buddy Jason Canto and just on Wednesday I killed David Conway. NOW IT’S YOUR TURN. I shall kill you on the day David Conway planned. I shan’t tell you it though. Martin Robcony.”
So this Martin fella isn’t just confessing to murdering someone else in correspondence, but threatening its recipient. So when did David Conway plan?! When will Jake’s life end at the hands of the tactless blabbermouth Martin?! Read on…
“Yo Marto, I know that date! It’s April Fool’s Day! And on that day I shall kill you and Jason Canto and if you don’t say at my funeral - YOU TOTAL BUM JAKE! Jake Sintang.”
Ha ha ha. It’s okay, it turns out the date Martin threatened to kill Jake was April Fool’s Day so nobody is getting ki… oh, wait, Jake just threatened to kill Martin then instead. And then dribbled some shit about his own funeral, and then called someone a total bum, the most threatening term ever. When will the movie be released?

A series of letters I wrote between imaginary psychotic arseholes Jake Sintang and Martin Robcony.

First letter reads:

Hey Jake, you leave my buddy Jason Canto and just on Wednesday I killed David Conway. NOW IT’S YOUR TURN. I shall kill you on the day David Conway planned. I shan’t tell you it though. Martin Robcony.

So this Martin fella isn’t just confessing to murdering someone else in correspondence, but threatening its recipient. So when did David Conway plan?! When will Jake’s life end at the hands of the tactless blabbermouth Martin?! Read on…

Yo Marto, I know that date! It’s April Fool’s Day! And on that day I shall kill you and Jason Canto and if you don’t say at my funeral - YOU TOTAL BUM JAKE! Jake Sintang.

Ha ha ha. It’s okay, it turns out the date Martin threatened to kill Jake was April Fool’s Day so nobody is getting ki… oh, wait, Jake just threatened to kill Martin then instead. And then dribbled some shit about his own funeral, and then called someone a total bum, the most threatening term ever. When will the movie be released?

My unfinished masterpiece about a villainous stick of glue inspired by a stick of glue I was looking at while thinking of what to make an unfinished masterpiece about.

Super Glue himself seems to have been in an ASSYLUM FOR THE MENTAL, a politically correct establishment that housed the most mental of mentals, before escaping and jizzing all over a Police helicopter that has ‘POLICE’ written backwards on its front in case cars don’t know what it is when looking in their rear-view mirrors.

10 years later, Super Glue’s safe hiding place is disturbed by a Los Angeles-based member of Pearl Jam whose blood is, apparently, required.

If only we knew how it ended! Or cared.

Front cover of a self-proclaimed ‘terrific’ Horrors comic I was writing when I was young featuring ‘real horror movies with changed story lines’. And that becomes fairly evident when Freddy Krueger smashes through a window and says “Die time, twit!” at a victim.

Front cover of a self-proclaimed ‘terrific’ Horrors comic I was writing when I was young featuring ‘real horror movies with changed story lines’. And that becomes fairly evident when Freddy Krueger smashes through a window and says “Die time, twit!” at a victim.

Excerpt from an essay I wrote for school about what made me ‘different’.
"Forks of lightning crash upon the hills like knives plunging into a victim. I love the hills. So, that is what makes me different. A lot different."
Surprisingly, I was never arrested for trying to stab a hill to death.

Excerpt from an essay I wrote for school about what made me ‘different’.

"Forks of lightning crash upon the hills like knives plunging into a victim. I love the hills. So, that is what makes me different. A lot different."

Surprisingly, I was never arrested for trying to stab a hill to death.

My English teacher ripping my essay for being like a computer game, then reviewing it like a Final Fantasy game. If only I’d given her some Doritos.

My English teacher ripping my essay for being like a computer game, then reviewing it like a Final Fantasy game. If only I’d given her some Doritos.

Can’t stop laughing at this picture of Mother Teresa I coloured in at school.

Can’t stop laughing at this picture of Mother Teresa I coloured in at school.

Here’s a Smash Hits-style interview with notorious dream-based child murderer Freddy Krueger I did as part of a horror magazine I was writing as a child. Not sure what terrifies me more - Freddy’s slashing humour or my attempt at drawing a star around his head. Have a slashing time.

Here’s a Smash Hits-style interview with notorious dream-based child murderer Freddy Krueger I did as part of a horror magazine I was writing as a child. Not sure what terrifies me more - Freddy’s slashing humour or my attempt at drawing a star around his head. Have a slashing time.

A bum producing blue smoke and terrifying a man. As it would. I’m sure there was a reason for this drawing, but I’m having a lot of trouble trying to imagine what it could be.

A bum producing blue smoke and terrifying a man. As it would. I’m sure there was a reason for this drawing, but I’m having a lot of trouble trying to imagine what it could be.

More of my teenage poetry. I’m surprised I haven’t been approached for a book deal yet.
In case you can’t read my scrawl and you miss out on some of the best selection of words since Plath, I’ve transcribed it for you:
The End
The grains of blue-tac was vomit
As the hair of grass approached
The grains exploded
And the grass died soon
And this is a poem with the end in it.

More of my teenage poetry. I’m surprised I haven’t been approached for a book deal yet.

In case you can’t read my scrawl and you miss out on some of the best selection of words since Plath, I’ve transcribed it for you:

The End

The grains of blue-tac was vomit

As the hair of grass approached

The grains exploded

And the grass died soon

And this is a poem with the end in it.

KILL EVERYBODY EXCEPT BARRY AND ME.
Apparently this is my plan to do away with all of my classmates except myself and Barry. I don’t remember who Barry was, but clearly he was either watching me draw this or I really liked him. Given that I don’t remember him, I’m going to assume he was watching.
My standard method was via some sort of sword, however I’ve mixed shit up by allowing Darren to be chomped by some flying toothy bastard, and poor Christopher has been stabbed via a multi-handled blade. Or impaled on a fence.
Morbidly, I’ve even drawn the mega-coffin to hold them all.
I get the feeling this could be used as evidence against me at some point.

KILL EVERYBODY EXCEPT BARRY AND ME.

Apparently this is my plan to do away with all of my classmates except myself and Barry. I don’t remember who Barry was, but clearly he was either watching me draw this or I really liked him. Given that I don’t remember him, I’m going to assume he was watching.

My standard method was via some sort of sword, however I’ve mixed shit up by allowing Darren to be chomped by some flying toothy bastard, and poor Christopher has been stabbed via a multi-handled blade. Or impaled on a fence.

Morbidly, I’ve even drawn the mega-coffin to hold them all.

I get the feeling this could be used as evidence against me at some point.